A Travellerspoint blog

Sickening Jamaican Couples

First stop. Just three days to go!

It kind of makes me puke up a little bit in my mouth when I say it out loud, but the man and I are staying a Couple's only resort once we hit the Caribbean shores of Jamaica. ON WEDNESDAY (yay!) No screaming kids running round threatening to piss in the pool, no ancient grandmas knocking over the buffet with their bingo wings, and no fat chavvy pregger birds spilling rolls of doughy muffin top over badly fitting hot pants (we hope - people like that aren't in couples, and if they are... well, they wouldn't be in Jamaica, darling).

At first the images in my head, of lounging blondes sipping rum cocktails from coconut shells in front of a shimmering aqua sea made me feel a little giddy - could I actually be heading to a scene from a Sandal's brochure?!? I remember the ads on TV with their soft, lapping waves on snow white sand and cheesy love songs, coupled by images of... well... couples as they floated on inflatable lilos, gazing into one another's eyes - not a hair out of place, not a scrap of watery mascara running down the woman's face. Could that really be me? Let's forget that I had to throw away my mascara last week as it went all blotchy after I took it on a plane. Maybelline doesn't do flying any better than me, it would seem. I'm not glamourous enough even to have bought a new mascara yet, but still,... could that be me?!

This particular Couple's resort has just been re-opened after a 30 million dollar renovation, and promises us a place where: "scenes of natural beauty intermingle with exquisitely appointed rooms and endless amenities to transport you to a world that is equal parts Jamaican paradise and ’50s Hollywood hangout." OOOOOOOOH!!!

Better still, everything's freeeeeee! Well, it seems like it's free as you pay a whack up front, but once you're there you can go horse-riding, walk the Dunns River Falls, order 19 pina coladas to your bathtub, demand a lobster tale with chocolate syrup to your bed, and request a free re-stocking of liquer to your minibar. Wahey!!! 24 HOURS A DAY. If we're lucky, we'll manage to avoid the hordes of honeymooning Americans wanting to "buddy up" for dinner and remain true to the snobs we are - only venturing out when the mood suits.

We're thinking of it as a relaxing, wind-down period from the spoilt lifestyle we've been living in Dubai. Course, we deserve it. After this we have to go build houses and share a microwave with poor people in Costa Rica...

Posted by beckywicks 23:30 Archived in Jamaica

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